In Reference to your Recent Communication

Dearest Jessica,

I am writing regarding your desperate letter I received last Thursday. Although I understand there were forces acting upon you, your message sounded thought out. Clearly, it has not altered your ability to write, nor has it taken any vitriol from your sarcasm.

I would like to discuss your letter in detail, assuming that you have the mental capacity and attention span for it.

Paragraph 1: Introduction

I assume, of course, that you have all of our previous communications for reference, including, not limited to, letters, electronic mail, phone messages, and transcripts of conversations crucial to the progress of our relationship.

Do you know what happens when you assume, Jessica? And no, there is no way that I have all of the transcripts of our conversations. Only a psychopath bent on torturing someone who cares for her would do something remotely resembling that.

First message: When I tried to politely break-up

I was unsure how to proceed, I cared deeply for you (Do you notice the past tense? If you didn’t you ought). I wanted the best for you but I didn’t know how to tell you that it didn’t involve me. My motives? My motives might have been influenced by friends and family but probably also my therapist. And no, your and my feelings are not the only ones that matter in this relationship. I not an island. I am connected to my friends and family and while, perhaps, I should distance myself from them. You, nor anyone else, can complete me.

First message: Disadvantages

I will not disagree with the aforementioned advantages. I will however inform you on some of the negative consequences of our relationship. I have become so stressed out that I am no longer hungry. Especially not tofu. A man cannot eat just salad and toppings and call it dinner. Do you know what I have been having at Jay’s? I have had bacon for breakfast, pork loin for lunch, and steak for dinner. Even though I have not been here a month I have gained most of my weight back, thank god.

First message: Dismissal

In the same way that I was not sure how to start this conversation, neither was I certain how to end it. Do you think my performance (Is that all I am to you? A performer. You aren’t the person I thought you were. Someone else might say that you weren’t the person I moved in with but it has become more and more obvious who you were.) was at least partly related to how I felt? If you were so interested in a healthy relationship and I was obviously distancing myself from you (no one has headaches that often), then why didn’t we openly talk? Ask yourself that, Jess.

Second message: Rejection

No. If I say things are going badly, then they are. If you say things are going badly, then they are. Only one has to defect. For you to decide that things are going well means that you are deluding yourself, which I knew.

Second message: “Feelings”

The healthy growth of our relationship? No. Healthy growth of our relationship would involve more communication, not subjection of one individual by another. Any “issues” I have, I will discuss.

Second message: Guinea Pigs

I wasn’t in the room, you weren’t there. I was taking a dump. Did you forget who took Tootsie II to the vet right away? But given what’s happened since, I would watch in “horror” as the dog mauled Tootsie II. In fact, I would encourage Boxer. And then, to spite you, I would buy another guinea for him to play with, just to see what would happen.

Third message: The worst mistake of my life

was continuing to date you. I am so happy now that I have rectified it.

Third message: Um

Do you think it is possible that you’re reading too much into my “ums?” Is it possible that it is just a filler word? And it was Jay’s cousin’s cell number. I just forgot to mention that Jay’s cousin was a delightful server at that casino and is the one that got us in to the VIP backroom where I met Morgan Freeman and Harrison Ford. They give their condolences. The server’s name is Jasmine.

Concluding Remarks

I did notice that all of our joint bank accounts are frozen, but did you notice most of the money had been transferred out in the last several months? This was not an overnight decision. I am a little upset about the cell phone but I understand.

I understand all too well.

Jay was not jailed; I knew that Leslie was your friend and the baked goods she was giving him were laced. I advised him to not partake. All is laid bare. I know you better than you know yourself.

For what it is worth, there were some happy moments, but the sum of them don’t keep me from seeing you for who you really are. You are so small that the only way to feel big is to stand on another’s back.

My hope is that in five years I’ll see you at a coffee shop or outside restaurant as I’m walking by in this big city and that you’ll be showing your husband, partner, or child something in a book and then I’ll know that you made it through this time and ended up alright on the other side.

I wish you the best in all your future endeavors (separate from me).

Good-bye, Randolph

P.S. Attached you will find a restraining order, I feel that this is best for you given your propensity to hold on tightly to things being taken from you.